I was pregnant once many years ago and for some reason that pregnancy ended in miscarriage late in my pregnancy. Miscarriages usually happen during the first trimester, but mine happened right at the beginning of my 20th week. That would make it right at the beginning of my 5th month. More than half way through a normal pregnancy. I can't even describe the incredible horror, sadness and complete emptiness I felt because I never thought that would happen to me or to my baby. But it did. I don't know how I got through that experience, but I healed slowly. and I will never forget my precious baby that I carried and loved and that never got the chance to thrive and grow and live. My baby was a boy and I had planned on naming him Jose Juan. I hadn't decided if I would call him Joe, or Juan, or both. I just hadn't thought that far out. The name of Joe is after my favorite uncle and father figure and his middle name didn't have any special meaning, other than I liked the way they sounded together. And I only found out that he was a boy 2 days before I lost him. Anyway, those feelings are very personal to me and I don't have anything documenting that special 4 full months of my life and his life, other than the memories in my heart. I didn't own a computer at the time. This was way back in the mid 80's and even if I had a computer, I would not have known how to turn it on, much less use it.
Then, back in March of 1997. I had just found out that I was pregnant with Marko, and since I had long before accepted the fact that I would never be able to have children of my own (according to many doctors), I needed to document absolutely everything.. I actually started my "blog" the very day my pregnancy test showed positive. I didn't know at the time, and I honestly didn't even think about it, but it never occurred to me to put my blog on the internet. I planned on copying my file onto a disk and keeping it in a safe place. I never did that though. I would just save it into a file in my computer every single time I would post. I remember I posted about how I was overwhelmed with different emotions because since my first pregnancy had ended so horribly, I was so scared that history would repeat itself and I knew I would not and could not go through that again. I sat at my computer and wrote down all of my feelings of unbelievable excitement, hopes, dreams and incredible instant love for my miracle baby. This pregnancy was so difficult in every way, shape and form. I was literally going through hell both physically and emotionally. I remember I ended the posts with this:" You are SO loved, xXoO". That meant little kiss, big kiss, little hug, big hug (: Sometimes I wrote up to 3 times a day. I wrote of everything and I wrote of nothing. I would document every feeling I felt and even the slightest physical change in my body ended up "blogged" about. I wrote of the complete despair I felt every single month when I would get a full period and I thought I had lost him. I would write of the incredible joy I felt when the ultrasound would prove that my baby was still hanging in there and had a strong heartbeat. I blogged about the first time I felt him move. At the time, I was working for the local newspaper as the Newsroom secretary and I was commuting to and from work, an hour each way, every day. I would write about songs that came on the radio that I would sing to him and Marko actually would respond to some of them. He would be bouncing all around during some of the songs (especially 80's songs). Once during the newspaper I worked for's yearly BBQ, I went outside to get my plate of grilled burgers, potato salad and soda. One of my editors asked me if I could please get him a soda also. I remember I layed the canned sodas sideways on top of my huge belly and I held my plate on top of them. I walked up to my editor's desk to hand him his soda and Marko literally kicked the sodas off of my stomach! That of course was blogged about too. Everything I experienced during the pregnancy was amazing, but one thing definately stands out in my mind. I was about 7 months pregnant and one night I cried myself to sleep and I woke up because Marko was stretching like he had never done before. I was laying on my side and my hand was laying across my belly. Right then, Marko stretched so long and hard, that I actually held his foot in my hand! I actually felt his heel and toes and I just started crying! Only this time, they were HAPPY TEARS! That amazing experience lasted about 10 seconds and it really is something I will never forget. God is so amazing. Marko was born in October of that year, so you can imagine how my posts grew into this huge file!
Well, when Marko was a month old, I moved with him to Texas. I ended up putting my things in a storage and every time I needed something from there, I would go and get it. I ended up renting from the more expensive storage place because I needed my things to be secure, and I didn't want to have to go to the bad side of town to retrieve my things and fear for my safety. Well, one day, I went to the storage and there was another family there also retrieving things from their storage unit. They actually offered to help me move some things for me and I told them that it really wasn't necessary because I could manage. I thanked them and they went about their business. As I was driving away, I got an uneasy feeling and couldn't explain why. I got home and I still had that feeling of something not being right, so I thought maybe I hadn't locked my storage unit,and I headed back to double-check. Sure enough, when I got to the storage unit, my unit was open, but not because I had left it unlocked, but because the lock had been broken off! I walked inside the unit and the ONLY thing missing was my computer. Computers can be replaced, but my FILE was gone forever! I was literally sick and so heartbroken. That family that offered their help to me had only done for the opportunity to look inside my unit to see what I had of value. I would have done most anything to have gotten my file back. I went to the police and reported it stolen, but they never found it. I feel sick just writing about it now. But it happened and there is nothing I can do to change that.
So there you have it! I was a "blogger" and didn't even know it..
Of course, I wish I could go back and do things differently, like actually taking the time to have copied my file over to a disc, or have started my first "blog" on the internet. You never expect things like that to happen. But they do. If you have incredibly special files that absolutely cannot be replaced, save them! Learn from my mistake!
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